Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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