you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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