I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
Just role played anchorman. And yes, I did take her to pleasure town.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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