someone threw a dead crab at me
so are u like ashamed lol?
not really. i dont look at it as being homeless. im just going to pretend im on an extended camping trip
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
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