someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
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