I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
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