Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
Randomize
