She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Randomize
