I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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