Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Randomize
