dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
i figure now that we're number one party school im obligated to black out at least 4 days a week. andddd go.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
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