mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
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