You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
well the blowjob for study guide exchange was a success.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
Randomize
