I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
