You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Randomize
