Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
Randomize
