I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
Randomize
