Hehe I wanna Australian kiss.. Its like a French kiss but down under ;)
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
