My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
I feel like a drive thru vagina
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
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