I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
My feet surprised me
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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