So drunk its hurt
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
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