my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
Randomize
