I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Randomize
