When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
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