he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Randomize
