wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
i already hear my dad disowning me
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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