My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
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