Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
