It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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