A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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