I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
i kinda want to bang the mythbusters girl... i bet she's got a nice snapper
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
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