she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
i want to swaddle you in tequila
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
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