i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
My vagina is very pro this idea
Randomize
