Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
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