I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
Randomize
