I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize
