You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
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