Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
