You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
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