the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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