This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
Randomize
