Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
Is Oprah even human
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
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