If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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