Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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