he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Randomize
