The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
