Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize
