We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
