She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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