remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
Randomize
