dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Randomize
