I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
