He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
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