words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
