Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Randomize
