Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
Randomize
