Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
