i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
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