i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
